Four Subtle Pitfalls of Radical Honesty
Hello friends, Marvin here.
In last week’s newsletter, my friend Tuulia shared some strategies for getting over everyday bullshit. It’s a great, peer-sourced collection of tricks, suitable even for beginners.
Reading it, I inspired myself to write about four subtle pitfalls of Radical Honesty.
These are four patterns I observed in myself and others over the years.
Maybe you can relate, or maybe this will help you with your personal honesty practice.
The common theme here is: turning one great experience into a new rule…
… and then ruling out new experiences…
1. Trying hard to get over stuff
In our Radical Honesty universe, we are biased towards getting over stuff.
We know that it’s a more invigorating, healthier way than holding onto grudges and old romances.
However, getting over stuff is more a nice byproduct of honesty than a goal in itself.
From experience, I can say that trying to get over “this or that” can be a trap. The effort and focus on the result might block the release I crave. Time and again, I overlooked small shifts and changes that already took place. I was too hooked on the idea of some grand release.
Instead of trying too hard to get over stuff, try this:
Are you stuck or hung-up on some situation? Then see what you held back in your communication. Likely, there was some expression you did not give, something you lied about or did not ask for. Can you go back to the people and say what now needs to be said?
By saying what’s true, you increase the chances of really getting over stuff.
2. Thinking you should like everyone
This was big for me.
More often than not, Radical Honesty leads to liking the very people we loathed. The best example is with my fellow Radical Honesty trainer Jura. In our first talk, years ago, I called her a “dirty hippie bi**h”. Then I relaxed and realized some of my wounds and pains.
After plenty of such cases, I created a few great beliefs:
“If I tell the truth enough, I will like everyone.”
“In fact, I should like everyone and must try to.”
Today, I have healthy preferences for who I want to spend time with.
I am not saying to avoid certain people, or writing them off as too difficult.
Especially with people close to you, I recommend getting in contact and telling your truth.
But don’t hypnotize yourself into having to like everyone.
I doubt Brad Blanton would fall in love with Donald Trump, even after ten completion talks.
But maybe he would tolerate him more, have some more peace in his mind.
3. Using quick resentments as a cover-up
Learning to express and work with anger directly was life-changing for me.
I finally had a tool (and proper justification!) for being angry out loud.
But expressing quick resentment often was a control pattern ...
… to not be with uncomfortable physical sensations. Or to get some quick release.
Don’t get me wrong, if anger is in the foreground, by all means say it. But don’t stop there.
I often used anger as a sure-fire way to get the upper hand when I really felt helpless. I got loud to feel some movement in stuck situations. I blew up and resented someone when I felt intimidated, insecure, or afraid. Or to protect some old wounds and guard my softness.
With powerful practices like Radical Honesty we need to be our own whistleblowers.
Is anger really the only reaction here? Or am I also covering up something?
The key is to notice more, moment-to-moment. And check and re-check your intention.
4. Becoming stifled by “the method”
Brad always said: “Today’s liberating insight becomes tomorrow’s jail.”
Well, that can include Radical Honesty if you get stifled by “the method.”
I don’t know about you, but I am great at creating new, shinier jails for myself.
When I first practiced Radical Honesty, I broke free from a lot of bullshit in my life. I felt so much more alive. But soon, I turned the method into a big, fat, and juicy must. I found myself in yet another prison: “I must always tell the truth. And I must tell it like we do in workshops!”
Of course, this is an impossible standard to live up to…
…one that led me to a lot of frustration, self-judgment, and lack of compassion for myself.
Here I was, trapped again inside the jail of my own beliefs and rules.
Ultimately, Radical Honesty is a flexible, in-the-moment practice, not a straightjacket.
Radical Honesty takes time, community, and practice.
I needed two or three years of practice until I found my own Radical Honesty style – one that honors my history, traumas, and uniqueness. And includes playfulness and perspective.
Today, after nine years, honesty is a big part of me and feels like second nature.
And I want to be careful not to be too automatic in truth telling. Radical Honesty is about awareness as much as it is about expression.
What are some of the pitfalls you experience with Radical Honesty?
by Radical Honesty Trainer, Marvin Schulz
Marvin Schulz started his Radical Honesty journey almost a decade ago and learned directly from Dr. Brad Blanton. He is now a Senior Certified Trainer, co-founder of the Radical Honesty Institute, and helps train the next generation of trainers.
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