How to Start Practicing Radical Honesty
Hello Friends, Marvin here.
This week I didn’t know what to write about…
… so I decided to write about something I know a lot about.
Duh! I’m often resistant towards writing what comes easy. And I make my life hard by thinking (!) I need to come up with something utterly mind-blowing and unique every time I type.
So today, I am writing about my work: Radical Honesty.
To be more accurate, I will write about how to start practicing Radical Honesty…
… if you are completely new and never went to a workshop with me.
The Basics of Radical Honesty
Above all, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice.
Susan Campbell, my teacher, once said: You can only be as honest as you are aware.
How true. We can only speak of what we actually notice.
So first and foremost, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice.
Second, Radical Honesty is about expressing yourself in a direct way.
Side-Note: Radical Honesty, of course, does not mean to share every single thought that pops into your monkey mind. It’s also not brutal honesty. The opposite is true: we want to drop below “just thoughts” and include more current and bodily aspects into your communication.
But how to kick-start your Radical Honesty practice?
Starting Small
If you have never been to a workshop, I recommend starting small.
It’s like going to the gym: without a personal trainer and plan, you might end up straining your muscles. Likely, you would not start with 250 pound deadlifts. Along the same logic, I don’t recommend starting Radical Honesty with your aggressive alcoholic uncle. You might shock your system into freeze, and then discourage yourself from trying again.
That would be a pity!
If practiced properly, Radical Honesty can transform your life at the core.
But you might want to start with small stretches, not overstrains.
Namely, I’d say you want to work on the following:
your tolerance for (unpleasant) physical sensation in your body
your ability to distinguish between actual reality and your stories
your noticing skills to include more aspects into your communication
your willingness to value being real over being right (or winning arguments).
Without these, Radical Honesty will only scratch the surface.
Here are some practices you can dive into without much prep-work…
1. Name your intention
Instead of just small-talking, asking questions or telling stories, how about revealing your intention behind the obvious?
Do you want to help someone? Do you want attention? Do you want to be seen in any specific way? Do you want to avoid being seen as incompetent?
Revealing your intention takes away some of the pressure to perform.
Imagine starting a presentation like this: “I am nervous and I want to do this right!”
Before I keep on preaching, here is my intention for writing this:
To increase my SEO-ranking
To convince you to come to my Radical Honesty events
To keep to my routine of one article per week
So you think I know what I am talking about.
2. Reveal some of your pretenses
If you often catch yourself pretending (and want to quit!), try this simple formula:
“Sometimes I pretend to you that I am (happy, listening, interested, etc.) …
… when I am actually (sad, thinking about something else, or annoyed).”
Then pause and stay in the experience a little.
After the 100 or so workshops I’ve taught, I am still surprised that we all pretend in exactly the same ways. Sharing what you pretend does not only liberate you—you give others permission to do the same. If you want a more honest world, the best way is to start with yourself.
It’s also the only way…
3. Ask more directly for what you want.
Kids ask for what they want passionately dispassionate. To them, the process of asking is a reward in itself: an energetic flow in the body. Few adults ask directly for what they want. We go the long, sneaky, indirect way, trying to manipulate our surroundings in our favour.
How about asking directly?
Yes, it’s scary. You might hear a direct “No”. Or sometimes worse, a direct “Yes”.
Ultimately, it’s all just physical sensations in your body.
Here is a little blueprint for how to ask for what you want:
Step 1: State your Desire
“I would like to go to the park” or “I want you to cook me dinner today”
Step 2: Ask
“Will you come with me?” or “Are you willing to do that?”
There is more to say on that, and I recommend you watch this video with me and Wheel of Consent founder Betty Martin for the nitty-gritty details…
Radical Honesty Needs Time & Practice
Don’t get discouraged. I am still learning Radical Honesty despite teaching for years. At first I thought that I am just not made for this. I thought I should get this right away.
When I lived with Dr. Brad Blanton on his farm, I overheard a radio interview he did. The interviewer asked:
“But isn’t this difficult to apply? ”
Brad’s answer helped me relax about it:
“Of course. You need at least 2 years to revise your autopilot and have honesty sink into your bones. The older you are, the more foreign this might seem at first”.
You worked hard on building that fortress of pretenses. It will take some time to deconstruct.
Come join us for a workshop or online course and get the community support and space you need to really learn Radical Honesty and transform your life at the core.
Marvin Schulz is a Radical Honesty Trainer based in Prague. He facilitates Radical Honesty workshops and retreats around the world, helps train our next generation of trainers, and sometimes works with individuals as a coach.
Upcoming Workshops led by Marvin:
