How to Deal with Disappointment
Hi Friends, Chelsea here.
In the past few weeks, I’ve faced disappointment on multiple levels.
First, due to rising COVID cases and without much warning, the Austrian government announced a lockdown that would basically prevent me from taking the long-awaited trip I had planned to see my family in Germany. What was supposed to be an exciting and full week - visiting my community’s home in Bavaria, meeting my nephew for the first time - became a week of more of the same - basically being shut inside my apartment.
First stress and panic, then sadness washed over me as I tried to figure out my options and ultimately realized that the best thing for me to do would be to stay home.
I haven’t seen my nieces in months - when I think about their little faces growing older each day I don’t see them, I could make myself cry.
Due to the lockdown, I’ve also had to postpone the Self Love and Body Honesty Workshop for women in Linz that I had planned.
Besides that, there have also been micro-disappointments, such as when plans I had with a friend fell through, or when I woke up hoping for sun only to encounter a cloudy, foggy day ahead of me.
So how do we deal with the disappointments we will inevitably face in life?
I’ve put together some tips for dealing with disappointment that help me, and might be useful for you to.
How to deal with disappointment
1. Start noticing your ‘shoulds’ - and recognize that there’s no way life should be.
One of the first and sometimes most difficult lessons to learn is that there is no way that life should be. Just as we often have ‘shoulds’ for ourselves (“I should eat healthy”), and for other people (“My partner should call me more often”), we often make up shoulds about life in general.
"Life should be easy, happy, filled with meaning and magical moments."
Or maybe they are more specific shoulds about your life - what kind of house you should live in, what your relationship should look like, how people should treat you.
What are your current shoulds for life?
Accepting that there is no specific way life should be, there is only what it is and what we make of it, is a first healthy step in dealing with disappointment.
2. Accept what is
Once we work on getting over our expectations or shoulds about how life should be, the next step is to start to learn how to accept what is in any given moment. Yes, I wanted to go to Germany and maybe even spend a couple weeks there with my family. But now? There’s a lockdown and my folks aren’t so into the idea of me coming there and possibly bringing COVID with me. So I am here at home. In my apartment. And I can work on accepting the way things are right now.
Accepting that which is is one of the biggest components of a spiritual practice and awakening in my opinion. What do you think?
3. Feel your emotions
Disappointment can be difficult - a heavy, sticky emotion. To really accept what is there, we also need to be willing to sit with the (sometimes difficult) emotions; to give them space to be experienced and heard.
By letting the feeling come up and be felt, in other words by experiencing your experience, we can more easily let it go and welcome new states of being. After all, what you resist, persists. Yes, the paradox of change means that we do need to allow the feeling in order to let it pass.
4. Talk to someone
The steps above are much easier said than done - so if you are struggling with facing disappointment, or accepting life the way it is, don’t hesitate to talk to someone about it. In fact, sharing helps even when you’re not necessarily having trouble. Speaking openly and honestly about your physical, bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts is a healthy way of dealing with them - the good and the bad.
By practicing Radical Honesty out loud, you can enlist others in helping you become a grounded witness to your changing states of body and mind, rather than a victim of them. Not to mention, sharing things we tend to see as ‘big’ often helps to make them a little lighter.
5. Express your anger directly
Oftentimes, disappointment is really anger disguised. So another important part of getting over disappointment is learning to recognize when you are angry (or sad) and expressing that as well.
So if possible, speak face to face with the person you are angry at. Set some time aside when you won’t be interrupted. Look them in the eyes. State directly what you are angry at them for. “I’m angry at you for _________.” Keep it as simple as possible. Mention something they actually said or did, not something you imagined. Like, “I’m angry at you for saying it’s complicated.”
Notice your body as you express yourself honestly while in contact with the other person. What is arising in you? Tears? Laughter? Chest pain? Share all that as well and make time to be present to whatever the other person wants to share with you, too.
This is how you practice Radical Honesty.
6. Sit in silence
The last step I can recommend when it comes to dealing with disappointment, after doing all of the above, is sitting in stillness for a while. Silent, in meditation, allow yourself to just be. Notice whatever arises. Pay attention to your thoughts and sensations. Listen carefully to see if there’s anything that can be heard in the space of that emptiness. You might be surprised by what you discover. Or you may just notice your heartbeat, and for a little while, let that be all that you pay attention to. Either way, you’ll be having a new experience than the one of disappointment, most likely.
What have you been disappointed by lately?
Will you share it with us - and make your experience a bit more human?
Love,
Chelsea
Chelsea Workman is a Radical Honesty Trainer Candidate who hosts the Radical Honesty Open Days meetup in Linz, Austria. You’re invited to join if you live in or around Linz!
And, subscribe to her newsletter, Being Honest with Chelsea, where this was originally published.
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