Hi friends, this is my first time writing to you here!

My name is Michael, I am a certified Radical Honesty Trainer in Germany. Today, I would like to share my story about how I used personal growth practices to perpetuate suffering in my life, by creating too much pressure, and sometimes being downright mean and hard on myself. Eventually, I discovered Radical Honesty and it saved my life.

My life before Radical Honesty

I began my journey of self-discovery, leaving behind my so-called “normal life” of marriage and a corporate gig in 2011. My marriage had collapsed, I quit my job, and I became a bodyworker. I attended a Yoga teacher training and I was practicing Yoga a few times a week, tried to meditate regularly and went to a lot of bodywork sessions over a period of two years.

In addition to helping me get in contact with my body and my physical sensations, all of these practices helped me gain insights about certain behavioral patterns that were causing me suffering, and how I created them.

I started to feel better. I was optimistic about my new life, my new me.

But still, I often felt miserable, contracted in my body, lonely, and stressed.

I felt alone and trapped in my head. I was mean to myself. I had a busy mind. I was mostly pretending that I had a great life, that I was finally happy.

Revelations about my growth practices

When I look back, I can clearly see how I also used all these great tools that I learned like Yoga, breathwork, and body awareness practices to control myself, control what I felt, and to stay calm.

For a long time, I was heartbroken about the end of my relationship with my wife. I used Yoga and breathwork to stay functional, to calm myself down, to relieve myself of the pain of loneliness. In the beginning, I was still working my office job and would often spend time in the car right before work trying to breathe the sadness and desperation away so that I could simply function.

In bodywork sessions, I worked a lot on my negative thought patterns, but I didn’t get much relief from my judgmental mind. My self-critical inner voice was still very loud, and I still felt sad. I was still trapped in my thoughts, especially mean thoughts towards myself.

Finally in 2014, I read the book Radical Honesty and went to my first 7-day Retreat with Brad Blanton. I discovered that I was an expert in lying, withholding and pretending, and that the primary way that I perpetuated my suffering was by being trapped in the jail of my mind.

I discovered that I was secretly very angry, and that this fueled my inner dialogs and thought loops. I was extremely good at avoiding any conflict; I was never angry out loud, I was very smiley and desperately seeking the approval of others.

Bodywork, meditation, and Yoga were great tools to get more in contact with myself, and they were a great first step, but I also used them to numb myself out, and to regulate strong emotions in order to appear calm and peaceful.

For me, it was a huge revelation to realize how even intense sensations can come and go if I allow myself to feel and express them. I discovered that all the contracting and twisting I felt inside of me were in fact a result of my avoidance of my sensations and emotions. By trying to avoid my suffering, I was making it worse.

I realized that the perfectionistic, controlling voice in my head was reinforced by unexpressed anger towards my overcaring parents. I learned that a lot of my self-judgments are the voice of my mother.

How practicing Radical Honesty changed my life

After attending a few more Radical Honesty workshops, finally expressing my anger toward my parents and ex-partners, and learning to be less of a nice guy, I noticed a significant shift inside of me. I finally experienced some moments of just being quiet with myself… brief moments of peace. I did not think that this was possible.

The sensations of feeling contracted and unpleasant inside of me slowly faded away, and today, I can catch myself much faster when I am down-regulating or being mean to myself. I cry pretty often, I let myself go into intense emotions and come back out of them again. I get angry, sad, happy, turned on, and turned off. I don’t try to be liked by everyone all the time.

Michael co-leading a Radical Honesty Workshop

I am so grateful for how happy I feel most of the time. I take more risks, I try new things without overthinking them. I feel much more in love with myself, the world, and with others.

I feel more connected and not so lonely anymore. And now I cannot imagine having a romantic relationship without being radically honest. I also no longer think of myself as the victim of my childhood experiences. I’m living the life that I want to live.

I’m not perfect, and I don’t always manage to be perfectly evolved and aware, and that’s fine. I’ve learned that it is more beneficial for me to fuck up in my relationships, friendships, and my personal growth practice rather than torture myself with perfectionism.

Michael at this year’s Honesty Gathering in Strausberg, Germany

I think the most dramatic shift for me has been that I no longer deal with my shit alone anymore. I have great honest friends to talk with and shoulders to cry on when I get stuck, and it can be great fun to get angry at each other, express it, and get over it together.

That’s my story, and this is who I am today. Perhaps you’ll see a bit of yourself in me.

Hugs,
Michael

Michael Kreuzwieser is a Forrest Yoga teacher and Certified Radical Honest Trainer who incorporates conscious sensuality practices into his work. He is passionate about creating safe spaces of experience for mindful, authentic and honest expression & intimacy.

Upcoming Workshops led by Michael:

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