Using the truth to lie
Hi liars & truthtellers, Mak here.
In most discussions about verbal deception there are two basic categories of lying that are taken into consideration, the first being lying by omission (or leaving stuff out) and the second being lying by commission (or making stuff up). But there’s a third category of lying which has recently gotten a lot of attention that involves lying by telling the truth, and it’s called paltering.
In this blog, I’m going to cover these three basic categories of lying and their slew of subsets as well as what to do in a world filled with so many damned liars and the lies they tell.
The 3 Categories of Lies
Lying by commission entails the active use of false statements, such as claiming the faulty transmission on a car "works great".
Lying by omission involves holding back relevant information—for example, by failing to mention any information at all about a faulty transmission.
Paltering involves the use of truthful statements to convey a mistaken impression—such as, “we just had the car gone over by a professional mechanic and it checked out great.” While this statement may be 100% true, it is not the 100% truth. It is being used to hide another bit of information which is, “I know the transmission is on its last leg, even if the mechanic missed it. In fact, that’s why I’m getting rid of the car!”
In a study at Harvard Business School, researchers identified paltering as a common and distinct form of lying. “Unlike lying by omission, paltering involves the active use of statements, and unlike lying by commission, paltering involves the use of truthful statements.” (Rogers, Zeckhauser, Gino, Norton, & Schweitzer, 2016).
An interesting finding of the study is that that palterers view paltering as much more ethical than lying by commission, yet the participants on the receiving end of the paltering disagree.
Co-author of the study Francesca Gino says, “People seem to be using this strategy because in their minds, they’re telling the truth, so they think they’re being honest. But the people being deceived think they’re being just as dishonest as if they lie outright to their faces.”
It’s easy to see why we palterers prefer paltering over telling outright lies: It allows us to maintain an image of ourselves as honest and trustworthy individuals (after all, we were telling the truth). Most of us care about being good people and being seen by others as such.
While there are only three basic categories of lies, we liars have come up with lots of creative subsets of deceit. Here are just a few of my favorites:
There’s Restructuring, which is endemic in courtroom dramas and partisan news. It involves distorting the context. Saying something in sarcasm, changing who said what or why and with what intent, or altering the scene to create the narrative you want.
There’s Exaggeration - The classic tall tale, “I swear to Gawd that thing was 50 pounds and 2 foot long!”
There’s Minimization - Michael, did you get wasted again last night? "No! Wasted? No, I had maybe a few drinks, you know. 2 or 3… 4… In the first hour…"
There’s Denial - Michael, did you eat the last of the chocolate? "No." I see chocolate on your face! "No you don’t!"
There’s the Little White Lie - "No, yeah, no, I mean I loved your short story about the racoon that almost didn’t make it home for the Holidays. I think you’re a really… uh, unique writer."
And there’s the Bald-Faced Lie - This one is a favorite of children: "The report cards haven’t been sent out yet because um, the teacher had to… send her dog to the… hospital…"
So, how do we cope with living in a world full of so many lies? The most important step is to avoid the trap of looking outward for all the ways that we’re being deceived. It’s anxiety-inducing and a total waste of time. It turns out that, as human lie detectors, we often fare no better than the flip of a coin.
A much more productive use of our time would be to look more closely at all of the ways that we are lying to others. And once we recognize that we are lying, call ourselves out on that lie and have a conversation with the other person about it. And if you recognize your motivation for that lie, go ahead and tell them that, too.
You just say, “You know what, I actually don’t make that much money. I’m embarrassed by how little I make and I wanted to impress you.”
Or, “Actually, I was only pretending to be interested in this conversation because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and look like an asshole. Can we talk about something else?”
This is how we turn fake, superficial, disconnected interactions immediately into real, connected, honest conversations, which then pave the way for deeper relationships. Honesty (as well as dishonesty) are reciprocal. Which means the more we’re honest, the more openness and honesty we’ll see in return from others.
As far as what to do when you suspect that you are being deceived or lied to? Researcher Robert Feldman says, “Liars need to be confronted. If you suspect someone is lying to you, you should talk to him or her about it. It may uncomfortable, you may not get the answer you want, and the exchange may lead to further deceptions... However, if you don't confront a liar... and let it slide by unchallenged—in a very real sense you've become a liar yourself.”
Ok, so most of us are going around pretending and withholding most of the time. But most of the lies we tell are just little white lies and we’re just trying to be decent people in the world and not hurt other people’s feelings too much. Is that so bad?
Well, Chris Argyris from Harvard Business school thought so. He called this learned pattern of playing nice and greasing the social wheel with little white lies “skilled incompetence,” because while it does take a lot of social skill to flatter and fool and keep others happy, it ultimately makes us ineffective leaders, colleagues and partners.
He said that, “When we develop a pattern of withholding the truth out of fear of reprisal or of hurting feelings, we blind ourselves and our partners of critical issues in the relationship.”
If you’d like some real-world help in not being so fraudulently kind and nice to people, you can sign up for our 6-week Radical Honesty online course called Get Over Shit and BE Happy! We begin next Saturday, January 28 with live calls every Saturday from 12-3pm EST / 6-9pm CET until March 4.
When you sign up, you'll get 6 weekly live + interactive sessions with the course leaders and your fellow participants to experiment with telling the truth. The course is presented in 6 modules, containing over 30 videos of content on the fundamentals of Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton and practice exercises to do alone and with a partner in each module.
There's an online forum to discuss the course, find practice buddies, and ask for help from trainers, with additional pop quizzes to help you retain the material. You'll get access to our GOSBH Facebook group, where you can connect with current and past enrollees, as well as bonus materials such as ebooks & PDFs for you to download and keep after the course ends! Sign up here:
You can also join me and Sean in Berlin for our next Radical Honesty Weekend Workshop on January 27-29. Sign up soon, as there are only 3 spots left!
Warmly,
Mak
Michael Alan Kolb (aka MAK) is a Senior Radical Honesty Trainer and co-founder of the Radical Honesty Institute and of Cascada Elysiana Eco Retreat Center in Costa Rica. You can find him leading workshops in the US, Europe, and Central America.
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