Hey everyone, Lindsay here.

Generally when we Radical Honesty Trainers write an article for you, we aim to write it in a way that may support you in seeing what you could get out of Radical Honesty and how you might personally benefit from practicing being more open, authentic, and honest in your life.

In this article, I’m writing about what I’m up to in a new romantic relationship with another human being and how that’s going, and I’m hoping you might see possibility for yourself in what I’m sharing about myself.

At the end of the article, I’ll tell you about the upcoming online series I’m offering, Single & Scared to Mingle.

If you’ve read any of the articles I’ve written in the last couple years, then you’ve likely read about how I’ve been single and celibate since 2019.

If you’ve been single and you’re considering dating again, or you’ve recently started again after a break, some of this may resonate with you.

In the last year+ I regained interest in dating, meeting potential romantic and sexual partners, and putting myself out there in ways I hadn’t been willing to for awhile.

I tried a couple dating apps and felt super bummed out each time I’d spend even 5 minutes flipping through profiles. No fun.

July of last year I met someone (I’ll call him Alex), in the flesh, who seemed pretty great and we hung out a few times and enjoyed each other's company, but since he had JUST gotten out of a decade+ long relationship, we kept things casual and would go weeks without connecting, and then took a deliberate break for a couple months, not sure if we’d reconnect.

Now, a year later, we’re seeing much more of each other and beginning to build something really lovely together.

When thinking about this new relationship, I remember the worries I had in the last couple years about my long phase of being single, about the possibility of dating again, about my ability to be part of creating a healthy relationship, and my anxieties about being sexual with another person again after so long abstaining. I think about the doubts I had that I could remain “true to myself” if sharing myself with someone else, and whether I could be vulnerable, open, and honest in new ways.

So far I’m pretty amazed with what I’m capable of! Everything feels different to me. I feel different to me! The way I’m receiving what Alex is offering simply IS different. Who knows why, exactly..?

What I do know is that at least some of what’s working—our communication and way of connecting—definitely has something to do with being willing and eager to be real with each other, share ourselves and our experiences, and talk about what’s up as it’s occurring for us.

Here are a few specific things that have helped me to feel really good about how I’m engaging and connecting with Alex in the last several months, how he’s been with me, and what we’re doing, together.

From the beginning, I talked with Alex about going years without dating or having sex, and about my uncertainty around being ready to start those things again. Specifically, I talked about wondering if my attraction receptors even worked anymore, feeling awkward and out of practice with even simple affection giving and receiving, and about my concern that even though I thought I’d grown so much in my time being single, I may just slide right back into my old relationship habits and patterns.

From the beginning, Alex talked with me about being interested in me and at the same time not being sure what he wanted or was available for, so fresh out of a long term relationship. He talked about being sad, confused, mad, and hurt in relationship with his past partner, and also told me about moments of feeling hopeful that they may choose to stay/get back together. He told me he didn’t want to miss an opportunity with me, and at the same time wasn’t sure he wanted more than friendship and casual time spent together. He was empathetic when talking about these things, knowing that I may not want to engage while he was so unsure about things, and understanding when I told him that I did want time away.

I’ve talked about my habits and patterns I’ve had with past partners, specifically about choosing and staying with people who very clearly wanted a different sort of connection than I did, and who were available in ways that didn’t feel good for me or work well for my overall well being. And about my patterns within anxious attachment, and my tendency to be passive aggressive in past relationships instead of being honest about my anger and things that weren’t working for me.

He’s talked about the lack of open communication, depth, and passion in his past relationship, his part in that, and how he wants things to be different in his relationships moving forward. He talked about his fears of losing his passion for his art again in a new relationship, and his commitment and responsibility to keeping that alive for himself, and about his interest in and appreciation of communicating and connecting more deeply with me so far in our relationship, and he has consistently brought openness and depth to our communication, himself.

I shared about my worry that after 4 years without sex and sexual intimacy, I may not be a sexual being anymore, and that I may be terribly awkward and unsexy feeling once we did have sex. I spoke generally about some of my first sexual experiences/past sexual traumas as a young person and how those things have partly shaped how I have been, sexually, what my fears have been, and what I hoped for in being able to move through that, heal from it in ways I haven’t entirely, yet, and be more comfortable doing the things I’d like to be doing with him, sexually.

I talked about my judgments and concerns about our difference in alcohol consumption and about how I worried that may be a deal breaker for me, and we’ve had great conversations about how I feel when this comes up, how my judgments may have developed, how he feels and what he thinks about his own alcohol use and mine, and how we want to work with this moving forward. And we’ve expressed lots of appreciation for each other about our willingness to dig into the topic instead of writing each other off with our judgments.

Talking about all of these things as they’ve come up has helped us get to know each other, gain some understanding of each other’s values, grow trust in each other, build confidence in our ability to communicate effectively about challenging topics, and have fun, intimate sex.

And these are all examples of the types of things you could experiment with bringing up in your own developing or already established relationship!

AND, although I think of the sort of conversations listed above as super important and valuable, I also want to emphasize that we’re having LOTS of fun, travel, relaxation, and experiences together that DON’T involve sitting down and having serious conversations, talking about how we’re relating to each other. (Overanalyzing and over-processing, more past habits of mine that I’m growing out of!)

So far in this relationship, following years of being single and celibate, I feel more safe, secure, grounded, at ease, loved, sexual and sexually comfortable than I think I ever have in a relationship. (And I am more those things than I ever have been ON MY OWN, outside of this relationship.)

I hope it’s clear that this isn’t written by a relationship expert, it’s not a guide to having a perfect relationship, it’s not a claim that everything is easy and effortless and could be for you, too. It’s just me, sharing openly about some things that are working for me right now, in relationship with another human, and some of the successes and joys we’re having together.

It’s written by me, someone who, a year ago, was pretty terrified to get into a romantic and sexual relationship again, who doubted my ability to attract and be attracted, and my ability to choose, create, and be a part of a healthy relationship.

And I wrote this to you in hopes that you might see some sort of possibility for yourself in it, when it comes to building or recreating a relationship that’s built, in part, on honesty and authenticity, sharing and trust, vulnerability and willingness to take beneficial risks…if that sounds good to you!

I also hope that if this is a topic of interest for you right now and you’d like to be in conversation with others in the same boat, you’ll join the online series I’ve got coming up later this month, Single & Scared to Mingle.

If you’re single and worried about dating again, or newly in a relationship and feeling scared and unsure, this series is for you. Four, 2.5 hour online sessions on Sundays, July 23rd through August 13th, 12-2:30pm EDT / 6-8:30pm CEST.

Find all of the details here:

I’d LOVE to have you there and to support you in talking through your hesitation, fears, and stuckness, and see what’s possible for you.

Best Wishes,
Lindsay

P.S. Lindsay is also leading the 4-session online series (NOT) Naked Work beginning Saturday, August 19th and running through Sept. 9th (Early Bird rate ends July 15th).

Sign up for both of Lindsay’s series and save $150. Use code 2SERIES150 at checkout on her site.

Lindsay St. Antoine is an honesty coach and Radical Honesty Trainer in Denver, Colorado. In addition to providing one-on-one coaching, she also leads in-person and online Radical Honesty workshops.

Upcoming Workshops led by Lindsay:

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