So, you think you're honest, hmm?
Hi friends, Marvin here.
If you are like most humans, you probably think that you are somewhat honest.
But chances are, you are not all that honest. Personally, I lie a lot. I have been a certified Radical Honesty Trainer for almost five years. And every year, I realize how much I actually lie.
Before we continue, let’s take a moment to define lying.
What do you think it means to lie?
Take a moment to reflect on this for yourself before you continue reading.
Okay, now let’s look at what the dictionary has to offer.
Here it reads: “A lie is a false statement, made with the intention to deceive.”
This is what most people agree to. To me, this is only the very tip of the iceberg.
I know there is a form of lying that’s more detrimental and dangerous to my own well-being, relationships, and spontaneous self-expression. Likely, this form of lying causes more pain than you and I can be consciously aware of. This type of lying is insidious. Sneaky. Sly.
And most people I work with in my retreats and workshops don’t even recognize it as lying.
I am talking about withholding here! Hiding important truths.
We could call it silent lying.
Withholding: not speaking when you have something important to say.
Defining withholding is easy, in theory. Whenever you don’t speak up about something that’s pressing for you, you are withholding. The dilemma is, you’ve likely lost your sense for what’s pressing, and for what has to be expressed in order for you to continue being present and, well, happy. That’s likely because you’ve lied for way too long about way too many things.
And you’ve gotten comfortable with the low-level blues that comes from withholding yourself to try and fit in.
I’ve been a genius withholder for the first 25 years of my life. All my relationships were based on me withholding how I actually felt. I pretended that I was happy when I was actually sad. I said “It’s all good, honey”, when I was fuming with anger. I structured my friendships in a similar way: I withheld everything that did not fit my ideal self-image as a cool and confident guy.
And that’s the core of withholding: making your ideal ideas of how you should be, more important than how you actually are. Sadness, anger, jealousy, and even full-on love. I kept them all to myself. And so, I got stuck in my lying ways and blocked the change and the life I actually craved.
To summarize: withholding is tiring. And it costs aliveness and joy.
Here is why:
1. You exhaust your energy to maintain what you actually don't even want
Holding on to something heavy is not easy. And to get over holding onto heavier feelings such as sadness and anger, the natural path is to express them. That means to cry when you feel like crying, tell someone you’re mad when you’re mad, talk about your shameful thoughts when you’re feeling ashamed, and so on. Most of us stop ourselves from these expressions.
Observe young children. They alternate between really angry and really joyful in minutes, expressing themselves all along the way. Kids are exceptional teachers! Unfortunately, most of us adults received a well-intentioned education in castrating important expressions…
...and inserting idle chatter in its place.
But withholding our own truth takes energy: muscle straining, restrictions of breathing, constant self-talk. This energy is then not available to you for spontaneous actions and impulses. What’s worse, your holding back actually holds in place the very status quo you want to deny.
2. You hinder yourself from growing
Withholding comes with a sub-note that rings “I am just small-little-Marvin and not important enough to say what I have to say”. I operated under that assumption for a long time. And then I went home to watch copious amounts of pornography or play violent video games after repressing myself all day. By keeping the cork on and holding back, we stay small.
Telling your important truth without being asked is a powerful pathway to maturity.
3. You feed an unconscious lifestyle
I turned withholding into a lifestyle. I worked for KPMG in New York in investment bank auditing. Now, this is a profession entirely built around withholding. But you don’t have to go that far. I also continuously withheld the expression of my anger in my relationships. But does the anger just go away? Of course not. So I was a very low-level angry person for a very long time, and my anger showed in cheating, lying, and outbursts. The withheld emotion ran the show from the shadow, and left me wondering “Why does it always rain on me, is it because…”?
I could continue the list, but I promised Lindsay to keep this short, so I'll simply tell you:
Radical Honesty is the alternative to withholding.
It’s a direct and clear “Yes” to life and to being fully alive with all your sensations, thoughts, and feelings. Learning to speak your truth and express what really matters is one of the biggest steps you can take to grow in power and mature as a person. In Radical Honesty, we don’t express feelings to change the outside world. We express them to enable life to continue inside of us to welcome new experiences in.
Do you want to experience yourself in this refreshing, connected way?
Join an upcoming Radical Honesty workshop!
Marvin Schulz is a Senior Radical Honesty Trainer living in Prague and leading workshops around Europe. See his upcoming workshops and retreats below.
