Hi Friends, Tuulia here.

Many of us seem to be quite skillful in turning an amazing sex life into one that is run-of-the-mill if not outright unpleasant.

Here are my favorite ways to ruin one’s sex life!

1. Having sex only late in the evening, or when tired or intoxicated

Tiredness, in my experience, is a real sexual turnoff.

Being asked at the end of an evening to choose between intimacy and getting enough sleep is a choice I dread making.

Personally, I prefer getting sexy in the morning or in the afternoon, when I’m wide awake and present with my partner. ☀️

I’ve heard the claim: “Planning kills spontaneity and romance.” Yet I actually enjoy having planned sex dates and agreed times for cuddling.

I like feeling that my loved one and I are both making connecting with each other a priority.

I think that especially for couples with kids and/or a busy work life, planning better ensures an opportunity to connect sexually.

2. Keeping the bedroom messy

(extra points for having crumbs in the bed!)

A messy bedroom is unsexy!

I get turned off having to slog my way through the piles of junk and (dirty) laundry just to access the bed.

By the time I’m done cleaning, my mood for sex has usually dampened.

In recent years, I’ve taken to making my bed in the morning.

I do this for both my visual pleasure as well as my physical pleasure.

(Oh, I also like getting sexy in the living room, especially when I see and hear the fire crackling in the fireplace.)

3. Staying angry and not clearing emotions

Anger tends to kill tender and connecting erotic moments.

Trying to connect sexually while being angry at my partner, doesn’t work at all for me.

Yet after I’ve cleared my anger, I can then access my warmth, love and desire for Pete. And witnessing my partner own and express—and clear—his anger can be very hot!

I enjoy witnessing the raw expression of emotions with an intent to get over stuff and be connected.

Using sex to play out some angry energy can be tempting for many of us.

Yet, to me, angry sex is using physical connection instead of daring to talk things out emotionally.

While angry sex might feel thrilling in the moment, I judge that after the sex, the anger—and disconnection—remains present.

4. Having sex instead of talking things through

This is related to the previous point.

In my opinion, we cannot replace talking with physical intimacy and hope that the challenging things will magically disappear.

We might feel good and satisfied at first, maybe even a bit more.

Yet, in the long term, unresolved matters only tend to nag at us and destroy connection.

Using sex to cover up problems or try to resolve things without talking is doomed for failure.

Dealing with the shit first makes the make-up sex and reconnecting sex far better! ❤️

5. Being unclear about wishes, desires and no-go areas

I find it quite unsexy when a sex partner expects me to understand what they want without them actually telling me.

At the same time, I like when my lover wants to support me to enjoy our sexual connection and that is tricky if I do not open up about my wishes and desires and turn-offs.

In other words, talking about turn-ons is a turn-on!

I find it very connecting and sexy and great foreplay!

Asking for what I want (and my lover asking for what they want) is hot!

I get turned on by the self-confidence that is expressed in that way.

Plus, I simply enjoy giving my lover what they want and me receiving what I want.

6. Sticking with routines which no longer feel exciting

Routines can be fun, safe and fulfilling.

Nothing wrong with doing things again (and again) that we’ve already found work for us!

Yet, going through routines mindlessly can lead to a boring sex life.

Not very sexually exciting if we do things (over and over again) that we no longer find desirable or fulfilling.

Adding new things or changing routines can be fun!

And having sex in new places can be hot! In a forest, on a trip in a new hotel room.

(Personally, I really enjoy sex in hotels, sex in the forest and sex on ferry boats (in a private cabin, though!))

Also interesting: Studies show that couples who try new things together outside of sex tend to also maintain a healthy sex life.

According to one study, partners who share new, non-sexual experiences are 36 times more likely to have sex than those who don’t.

7. Physical and sexual connection is not kept up in everyday life

For me, flirting is a great joy in life!

I enjoy flirting and sharing humor with Pete throughout the day.

I like being playful and joking and dancing with him both during sexy times and outside of sexy times.

Little ways of showing love goes a long way.

There are so many ways we can show appreciation to other throughout the day: a light touch, kind words, sexy moves, kisses on the cheek, a playful wink, words of care and appreciation and validation.

When I feel appreciated and loved, I find it easier to also access my sexiness with Pete.

In our Couples Retreats you can explore how you can improve and deepen your connection and sex life!

This year we are offering two Couples retreats: one 2-6 April and a weeklong Couples retreat 12-18 August.

Both are already filling up!

Year after year, the Couples Retreats remain our most popular retreats.

And I can understand that. So much healing can happen in a romantic relationship: being seen, heard, supported, and loved as we are.

I really love seeing the deepening connections and the tools people take back home with them.

Pete and I also love joining Couples Retreats to enhance the importance of our relationship and get new learning and experiences together.

I also want to hear from you:

Do you have anything to add how you have f*cked up your sex life?

Do you have any great tips on how to make your sex life flourish?

Love,
Tuulia (& Pete) ❤️

PS: I’m aware that I discussed above about couples sex and sex with a partner!

I do also warmly recommend solo sex and loving one’s body and own self.

A great sex life without a committed partner, of course, is also possible.

For me, personally, sex in my committed relationship is the best – we can explore together in a safe yet still exciting setting.

At the age of 52, I have a sex life that is both fun and satisfying.

I think mainly because I have already explored and I know what I want now.

I dare to voice what works and what doesn’t.

I have chosen to invest time and effort into our intimacy.

And I’m willing to verbally express anything that is troubling me.

Tuulia Syvänen is certified Radical Honesty Trainer from Finland and she has led the most Radical Honesty workshops in Europe, by now around 100.Tuulia organizes and co-leads workshops around Europe with her husband, Pete, as well as does 1:1 and couples coaching and sessions in companies.

Upcoming Workshops Led by Tuulia:

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