Do you shoot yourself in the foot with shyness?
The first few years of my life I was raised in a non-authoritarian way. I was a wild and free spirited child, invited to ask and go for everything I wanted.
Hi friends, Anna here.
But then school started and suddenly there were rules and limits and I wanted to fit in and adjust to how the other kids behaved and tried to anticipate what people expected of me.
And then came puberty – which was even worse – and I went into hiding. As a teenager I was shy and often uncomfortable in social situations.
I preferred winter to summer so I could wear more clothes and hide my body.
I blushed easily and spent a lot of time and energy avoiding situations where that could possibly happen. I didn’t speak much in class and if I did, I spoke with a low voice and hid my face behind my hair.
Even with a group of friends I often didn’t say anything as the moment to speak seemed to never be now. I often re-thought conversations I’d had and imagined all the things I could have said but didn’t which included expressing anger and shouting – in my mind only.
In intimate relationships, my shyness kept me from asking for what I wanted. I was afraid of getting a no which I perceived as being rejected and not loved.
For example, with my first partner I wanted more sex.
What did I do about it?
I lay quietly next to him when we went to bed hoping that he would make a move and then felt frustrated and angry when he just fell asleep.
Writing about it now I think I want to call him and tell him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a clue. How could he as I didn’t say anything?!
Yet even when I asked for what I wanted and got it, I still felt uncomfortable imagining my partner was doing it out of obligation.
One time I asked him for more hugs. And after I did, the next time he wanted to hug me, my body went stiff, and instead of enjoying it, I just expressed dislike. As you can imagine, this didn’t help to increase the amount of hugging I got.
Basically I spent my first relationships and my life in general hoping for people to read my mind and to magically want exactly the same things I did. And if they didn’t, I got really good at making myself feel lonely and unloved!
And yet I much preferred the suffering I created quietly inside while imagining I was fitting in instead of stepping up and risking to be rejected while showing and expressing myself.
Radical Honesty and Asking for What I Want
Getting back to noticing what I want and actually asking for it is one of the big changes in my life since I started practicing Radical Honesty. I’m still surprised how often the answer is yes when I actually ask.
Last year, I asked my boss at the University to reduce my working time to one day a week so I had enough time to build up my self-employment as a Radical Honesty trainer and Pantarei Practitioner. I was really nervous to ask and once again, my expectations were thwarted. She said yes and is happy for any time that I’m willing to give them.
Hearing No/ Saying No
But we don’t always receive a “yes” when we ask for what we want which stops many of us from asking.
In Radical Honesty, we emphasize being able to be with all of our experience, in particular the sensations that arise in the body. In doing so, we become better at allowing our experiences to come and go naturally whether it’s anger or sadness or joy or receiving a “no”.
Practicing in many Radical Honesty groups, I have increased my capacity to receive a “no” when I ask for what I want. I can comfort myself to a much greater degree now. And the more I practice, the more I dare to ask for things even when my mind expects the answer to be “no”.
In being able to receive more “no” responses to my requests, I have also gotten better at saying “no” to requests from other people for things I don’t want to do.
Today I really feel like I’m being the creator of my own life. I experience an incredible amount of joy and happiness and sometimes have to pinch myself to check that I’m not dreaming.
Honestly Practicing, Practicing Honesty
With all that said, sometimes I still don’t ask for what I want. Sometimes I still avoid the hurt and anger when someone says “no” to my request. And sometimes I still say “yes” when I mean “no”.
But something has changed.
When I notice I didn’t do what I wanted, I take a moment, gather up my courage and habitual shyness, and go back to the person to tell them that I didn’t express what was really going on with me.
Some people like the way I am now and some people don’t. And that’s ok.
-Anna Haas
Anna Haas is a Radical Honesty Trainer living in Berlin. Read more about Anna here, and check out all of her upcoming workshops below.