I'll do me myself
Greetings, RH-ers. Tony Cuseo here.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in this space. For the last 9 months, I have been in Wilderness School and now that I’ve graduated, I have been resisting returning to the domestic world.
I am slowly peeking out of my cave, however, because Lindsay and I are preparing to run another session of Let’s Talk About Sex.
As the two of us have begun preparing, I find myself in a unique position, in that I have had less sex in the past year than I have at any other point in my life.
In my early 20’s, sex was everything to me. As a boy who could never quite win his mother’s love, I set out to soothe my hurt by attempting to secure the attention and approval of women everywhere.
Sex, in my mind, was the ultimate sign of validation, so I sought it desperately.
That venture lasted for a handful of years, but then I got fed up with it.
It turns out that trying to be charming, attractive, and seductive all damn day is fucking tiring.
In the years that followed, I explored kink and Tantra and eventually chose to enter the sex world in a professional capacity. I became a certified Sexological Bodyworker over five years ago and have found the work I do with couples and individuals deeply rewarding.
During my training, one of my teachers said to me:
“With this work, it’s so important that you fill your own cup first. Make sure your own erotic needs are met because if they’re not, you run the risk of unconsciously seeking to fill them through your clients.”
As such, a strong emphasis was placed on self-pleasure and masturbation as a means of meeting one’s own sexual needs. That idea has stuck with me and I’m grateful for it. I imagine maintaining an intentional self-pleasure practice has enriched not only my sex life but my life as a whole.
In our Let’s Talk About Sex series, we explore peak erotic experiences, a concept from Jack Morin, which he based off of Maslow’s work. Essentially, these are erotic moments in your life that feel especially thrilling and/or significant.
One of my ongoing desires is to have peak erotic experiences with just myself. No partner, just me touching my own body.
The thought really thrills me. And, it’s changed how I masturbate. It’s brought about more experimentation, more ritual, and more play.
In other words, I rarely just “have a wank” anymore. My self-pleasure is more deliberate now, if you will. I even sometimes light candles. (Pretty romantic, eh?)
If I remember correctly, there’s a bit in the Radical Honesty book where Brad Blanton suggests that couples masturbate in front of each other as a way of demonstrating that they can each get their own selves off — as a way of symbolically saying, “Look, I’d love if you would make me feel good, but it’s not a requirement because I’m able to do that myself.”
Taking responsibility for my own pleasure is really important to me. I like knowing that I can create a good time for myself. That knowledge empowers me. And, I’ve found that talking openly with others about masturbation, and sex in general, is also a key to my self-empowerment.
Much of our sexual lives is kept secret. I know you know that already. I’m not saying anything terribly profound here. And yet, I still find that opportunities to share openly about our erotic selves are few and far between.
Let’s Talk About Sex is a place where people get to speak openly about their sex lives. You could share what you like, what you don’t like, how you like to touch yourself, what turns you on, what disgusts you, and whatever the hell else you want to share.
And we do this not just to be subversive or to say fuck you to social norms (although both of those are fun side effects). We do this because it frees us up in a visceral, fundamental way.
I have watched folks in our workshop begin talking about their kinks — their face pale, eyes darting around, jaw clenched, shallow breathing. But as they continue, their breath deepens, their cheeks turn a bit rosy, they giggle some and relax their shoulders, and all at once they look a bit lighter.
Some sort of load has been lifted.
The same pattern happens over and over again. There is the initial experience of discomfort along with resistance to that experience, then the person sharing gets some support from Lindsay and me in feeling those sensations fully and once they do, something shifts. And with that shift comes a bit less fear and shame, and a bit more freedom.
If you’re curious about lightening your load some and creating a bit more freedom sexually and otherwise, I invite you to join Lindsay St. Antoine and me for our upcoming Let’s Talk About Sex series, which meets on Saturdays from July 20 & 27, August 10 & 24, to September 7 & 21 at 12:00-2:00pm EDT / 18:00-20:00 CEST:
For more details and to sign up, follow this link.
Should you have any questions, feel free to comment below or reach out to me at tony.cuseo@gmail.com.
Happy pleasuring,
Tony
Tony Cuseo is a Radical Honesty Trainer Candidate who co-leads workshops and practice groups. He also holds certifications in Embodied Counseling and Sexological Bodywork. Tony is passionate about creating art, music, and love.
Upcoming Workshops Co-led by Tony: